God's work in my life so far

"I'm certain that God, who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the Day of Christ." (Phil 1:6) It is no secret that the last few years of my life have been a chaotic, whirlwind in the shadows of my faith; I have been waiting for a new life to fill my soul and to end this spiritual disease. I was looking at my life (job, school, car, family, my ambitions, dreams, goals, relationships, etc.) and none of it made sense. Living to work towards one of these things, then onto the next, in hopes of accomplishing another, while finishing this one and moving onto that one seemed so desperate. Of course, each step was accompanied by the hope that God would some how, somewhere bless me and make me into a womanly, beautiful image of Christ. Maybe once I move out and get back to school then get a real job etc... then I will be better. But it all comes down to this: none of these things fully, truly and deeply satisfy me. They don't even have the potential!

"I once though these were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done." (Phil 3:7) And what is it that Christ has done? Jesus lived a perfect life, then bore the weight of the sin of the world to the point of death, sacrificing his life so that all may not also die, but have eternal life. (John 3:16) The last two years have been a lost-at-sea drifting through the motions of the ocean. I wandered around the darkness looking for Light until I really felt like I was dying, and almost dead. It was probably one of the most miserable feelings ever. But I thought that if I got my life back on track then maybe my heart would heal, and I'd be a better Christian then. Maybe then I would know with absolute certainty that I am saved and that I belong to Christ.

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it as garbage, so that I can gain Christ, and to become one with him." (Phil 3:8-9a) This verse first became relevant to me 9 months ago (November) while I was at a show with my friends. My relationship with James* was increasingly fragile and it was affecting my other friendships too. Stepping aside to a corner of the room away from everybody I opened my bible to this verse--and the verses in context before and after it. Everything I was learning about God and idolatry came together through this scripture. My prayer became a sort of begging for God to show me idols in my life that kept me from truly knowing and treasuring Jesus. Desperately pleading for God to take anything from me that I clung to that wasn't Him. Even if it's James, take him, Lord! To be honest with you I knew the relationship was over then yet I selfishly sucked every breath from it through the winter until God answered my prayer; James gave in to God and let go when I couldn't. There was unbelievable freedom after that, but I still got tangled up in my life. What more is there to lose? I didn't think that it would lead to literally losing everything in order to gain Christ! It's radical. Since I was young this has been a dream of mine and to see it happening is beyond exciting and unreal. I am moving to San Francisco, California. With only a suitcase and a whole lotta faith I'm seeking to serve at Redeemer City Church (a church plant launching this fall). I'm confident that this is God's will and desire for my life, even though logically it doesn't make sense to me. 

"For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that rasied him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead." (Phil 3:9c, 10-11) If everything is worthless compared to Christ, then I don't need it. And if having things, even a home or a job or familiar places is keeping me from truly knowing Jesus and through him, my Father... then take it. I have confident faith and trust that God will redeem me through this adventure. I hope. Sincerely and deeply hope that He recreates me to be more like him like he promises in Phil 3:21 where he "will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."  That is what my heart has been crying out for over the last few years! Transform me, Jesus!