What Do You Expect?

When God comes to answer prayer are we really ready to experience the fullness of power of the truth that comes with it? God responds to our deepest needs and answers our requests but when you pray what do you expect Him to do? Do you expect to receive your answer immediately? Do you expect an answer at all? When you pray do you pray confidently that He will bless your desires? Do you expect God to give you more than you ask for? Do you expect God to listen not only to the prayers of your mouth, but to the desires of your heart? 

When I first started praying for brokenness I didn't know what that would look like. I didn't expect it to be one of the longest and darkest seasons I've ever been through. When I begged God to change me, change my heart I didn't expect that this is what I would look like. When I asked God to show me my idols and anything that was keeping me from Him I didn't expect that I would actually have to give anything up. I didn't know that it would mean giving up everything. 

See, God doesn't just hear our requests and give to us what we ask; He gives to us more than we ask. He gives so abundantly that often times we don't see the vastness of how deeply He longs to bless us! Because of Jesus, our Father says, "Yes, my child, but have this too!" and then He pours out everything. But it's more than how much he gives us, but what He offers to us when we seek Him. God knows our truest needs, most often times the ones we don't even realize exist. God not only answers our prayers but he replies to our greatest benefit! 

It takes time to begin to grasp the depth of the answers we receive. And often times, I'm realizing, He reveals the  responses in savory bites; feeding us, satisfying and sustaining us abundantly! The more that I seek the Lord the more He opens me to His goodness and His faithfulness. When you go before the Father, whether it is in tears and pain, or in joyfulness, know that He is waiting to answer you with the fullness of power that is Christ's resurrection; there are no boundaries and no limits on what He is going to do for you! Be confident that God is listening. Be encouraged that He knows what you need and what you desire before you come to Him and be thankful that He is wise and knows your deepest, purest, most true needs. 

God's work in my life so far

"I'm certain that God, who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the Day of Christ." (Phil 1:6) It is no secret that the last few years of my life have been a chaotic, whirlwind in the shadows of my faith; I have been waiting for a new life to fill my soul and to end this spiritual disease. I was looking at my life (job, school, car, family, my ambitions, dreams, goals, relationships, etc.) and none of it made sense. Living to work towards one of these things, then onto the next, in hopes of accomplishing another, while finishing this one and moving onto that one seemed so desperate. Of course, each step was accompanied by the hope that God would some how, somewhere bless me and make me into a womanly, beautiful image of Christ. Maybe once I move out and get back to school then get a real job etc... then I will be better. But it all comes down to this: none of these things fully, truly and deeply satisfy me. They don't even have the potential!

"I once though these were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done." (Phil 3:7) And what is it that Christ has done? Jesus lived a perfect life, then bore the weight of the sin of the world to the point of death, sacrificing his life so that all may not also die, but have eternal life. (John 3:16) The last two years have been a lost-at-sea drifting through the motions of the ocean. I wandered around the darkness looking for Light until I really felt like I was dying, and almost dead. It was probably one of the most miserable feelings ever. But I thought that if I got my life back on track then maybe my heart would heal, and I'd be a better Christian then. Maybe then I would know with absolute certainty that I am saved and that I belong to Christ.

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it as garbage, so that I can gain Christ, and to become one with him." (Phil 3:8-9a) This verse first became relevant to me 9 months ago (November) while I was at a show with my friends. My relationship with James* was increasingly fragile and it was affecting my other friendships too. Stepping aside to a corner of the room away from everybody I opened my bible to this verse--and the verses in context before and after it. Everything I was learning about God and idolatry came together through this scripture. My prayer became a sort of begging for God to show me idols in my life that kept me from truly knowing and treasuring Jesus. Desperately pleading for God to take anything from me that I clung to that wasn't Him. Even if it's James, take him, Lord! To be honest with you I knew the relationship was over then yet I selfishly sucked every breath from it through the winter until God answered my prayer; James gave in to God and let go when I couldn't. There was unbelievable freedom after that, but I still got tangled up in my life. What more is there to lose? I didn't think that it would lead to literally losing everything in order to gain Christ! It's radical. Since I was young this has been a dream of mine and to see it happening is beyond exciting and unreal. I am moving to San Francisco, California. With only a suitcase and a whole lotta faith I'm seeking to serve at Redeemer City Church (a church plant launching this fall). I'm confident that this is God's will and desire for my life, even though logically it doesn't make sense to me. 

"For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that rasied him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead." (Phil 3:9c, 10-11) If everything is worthless compared to Christ, then I don't need it. And if having things, even a home or a job or familiar places is keeping me from truly knowing Jesus and through him, my Father... then take it. I have confident faith and trust that God will redeem me through this adventure. I hope. Sincerely and deeply hope that He recreates me to be more like him like he promises in Phil 3:21 where he "will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."  That is what my heart has been crying out for over the last few years! Transform me, Jesus! 

The Problem| more backstory...
Between my good intentioned dream, and my growing desire to leave every thing behind, I clung to the idea that escaping my life wouldn't save me or truly make my life better. "A while back I came to the realization that it wasn't a "change of scenery but a change of heart" that I need in my life.... I stubbornly cling to the idea that changing my location won't change my heart, won't change me. If I run away (which it sometimes feels like I would be doing) then I'm only externally changing things and the core of the problem will not be helped. The countering idea is that maybe a radical change will be exactly what I need to begin an internal transformation. Part of me want's to leave and not be satisfied until I'm totally, radically and outrageously in love with God. If I leave, it's because I believe that He is leading me there." [from my posts: Time Is a Funny Thing and Slow Spinning Redemption] 

The Dream| A Beginning
Like most little girls I dreamed of living a life of big adventures and doing grand things in this world. And like most little girls I wanted to travel. Even if only for a short while. I would make plans to run away. To stow away and go across the seas. Back pack and live abroad in European countries; maybe even stay in France long term. It was fueled by reading books, playing video games and watching movies. I thought that it would only ever be a dream. In ninth grade I moved in with my grandparents and they brought me to church every Sunday. Soon my love for God and his church grew and melded with my dream of traveling! I began to dream of moving from church to church, host family to host family, serving and investing into the community for a season. I loved the idea of making my way through the bible belt sharing the gospel with folks who's lives crossed with mine for a moment. And greater yet, I wanted to witness to my brothers and sisters; to minister to those already in the church.

God was so much more alive than my church knew or lived and it broke my heart to see believers every week without a true treasuring passion for God in their lives! Since that seed of an idea was planted it has grown slowly over the last few years. My spiritual gifting deepened and so did my faith. As my passion for God's people and the church became more and more defined I longed to go and start achieving this ministry dream but instead of going on that journey I went to college to be a pastor; that is no longer what I will pursue educationally. As life would have it I am taking time off from schooling (paying off my loan) and since ending my last semester of school the urge to leave and to travel has only become more prominent. I've hungered for a chance to go anywhere. In the last year I've had 4 chances to go to Joplin, MO. After meeting a roaming, traveling homeless kid named Kaleb that yearning increased again!